January 6, 2010: The Good Fight

Kreischberg, Austria – Life is not going well. I know that is very silly and selfish to say especially since I’ve been blessed with wonderful family and friends, great health and an opportunity to follow my passion, but when your entire being is dedicated towards one goal and that goal seems to be slipping away, it’s hard to keep things in perspective. Because in reality, my life really is great. But my mind and heart do not always live in reality.

The third Olympic qualifying World Cup was a disappointment. After the last training session, I went into the race with more confidence than I’ve had before and I knew, just knew, that today would be the day when I would get my top 30 and finish the day ecstatically happy. I envisioned it. I felt it. I believed it. I didn’t stress about it because I knew it would happen.

According to Coach Mark the top of the run was good. Despite a few bobbles, I was carving more and had a decent line. I felt relaxed but still went for it. Things felt easy and smooth. I made it down the first pitch without problem or hesitation, just trusted that the board would hold and it did. But on the very last pitch, I went too straight at the third to the last gate, jammed on my heelside and washed out, dumping all my speed and losing time. I didn’t come to a complete stop and was able to get moving again into the finish, but I might as well have as I ended up 24^th in my course and 47^th overall.

Who knows what would have happened if I didn’t slide out. I keep running it over and over in my mind, trying to figure out how much time I lost. Where would I have ended up had I not made the mistake?

I immediately started beating myself up with doubts and wondering if I really did have what it takes, is my best really good enough, is this all for naught. But no matter how down I get, I can’t shake the feeling deep down that I am good enough and my Olympic dream is going to happen. There is a battle inside me between putting myself down and cutting myself some slack. I feel terrible after not doing well at a World Cup, but at the same time I am competing against the best girls in the world. Some have been doing it since they were kids, others have tremendous financial backing that allows them to be on snow year-round with an army of support staff, and most have both. I know I’ve come a long way with my snowboarding career and have already accomplished what would have seemed impossible ten years ago.

So after more tears (ugh) and a great talk with Coach Mark, who remains concretely and steadfastly confident and supportive, I’m chalking today up to a mistake. Today’s result is not fatal, and it’s a learning experience. This journey is about the ups and downs, but more importantly now, it’s about the fight. It’s about getting up when you are beat down and fighting the good fight all the way to the end. I’ve always thought that the true test of character is how you react when times are challenging, so the big question for me is: Am I going to fight harder or just give up?

I’m going to fight, with everything I have left in me.

January 4, 2010: I Love Training… Again

Kreischberg, Austria – Rolling into Kreischberg, Austria, venue for the next Olympic World Cup qualifier, was bittersweet. While it brought back great memories of the Snowboard World Championships in 2003, it was besieged by thoughts of the last time I was there four years ago when I did not qualify for the 2006 Games. But whatever, the snow was awesome and I couldn’t hold back a smile.

After yesterday’s debacle, I desperately wanted a great day of training since it would be my last before the World Cup on the sixth. I wanted to get good feelings back and the much needed confidence that it would take for me to ride my best. Thankfully conditions were perfect: sun was shining, snow was hard and grippy, temps were very cold (which made my boots stiffer and thus more responsive and trustworthy). I couldn’t have asked for a better day. I was able to freeride the racehill once before they closed it, and it’s quite terrain-y. The slope rolls a lot and there’s a big hump in the middle of the course making for quite a steep drop for a few gates. But the more challenging the terrain, including steeps, the better. I’m not the most technically perfect rider out there, so anything that allows me to make up for that with aggression is a plus. I also enjoy that freefall feeling like I’m flying (see past post Addicted to the Drop) so that’s an added bonus. I just have to remember to stay forward, forward, forward coming over that pitch.

The training slope wasn’t quite as challenging but boy was it fun! I still approached each run with the same warm up and aggression as I would a race run. I wanted to keep the intensity high, and my technical focus was to be patient before flipping the board over so I could give myself room to carve. (Performance statement = Stay aggressive, carve.) When visualizing, my thought would be “float/hold – edge – pressure”, with the ‘float’ meaning staying on the old edge without putting any weight down on the board and holding it there patiently until the fall line above the stubby, the ‘edge’ meaning rolling the board slowly up on its edge, and the ‘pressure’ meaning BAM! – on and off quickly within the arc around the stubby by pushing against the board. I also kept in mind to use the backfoot more (or weighting down the tail of the board more) particularly on the heelside by driving my outside hand down towards the back boot. Another racer told me yesterday to think of lifting the nose of the board at the end of the turn since speed is generated by pushing the board through the turn (with the back foot) and it’ll also keep the board from washing out since there is pressure on the edge. After watching some World Cup footage, I did notice that when the men ride they pressure the tail of the board and the nose lifts off the snow slightly.

My runs felt great! I felt I was carrying speed and not scrubbing my turns, and putting pressure on the backfoot, especially on the heelside turns, felt stable and allowed me to shoot myself into the other turn. I didn’t wash out once. Even Coach Mark said I was carving more and that throughout my runs I was getting better at moving forward and keeping my body up with the board.  I was so elated coming up the lift after training that I actually thought, “I love training!” It was a good technical day, but more importantly, my confidence is high going into the next race.

P.S. I am aware that I must seem neurotic with the constant “I love snowboarding… I hate snowboarding… I love snowboarding…” flipping. But it truly is how I feel.

January 3, 2009: Temper, Temper

Saalbach/Hinterglemm, Austria – Today was an awful day. Fortunately I’m writing this way after the fact and I’ve already let today’s training day go so I can be objective about it and not too emotional with the “snowboarding hates me” mantra I had going up the gondola. The snow conditions were very inconsistent making for probably one of the most challenging courses I’ve had in a while. Actually I think it is the most challenging course I’ve ever had since I didn’t finish a single run today. I’d either DQ on the delay or hit a huge hole and blow out of the course. I felt like I had no control and the board was just getting away from me. I felt that my mental attitude was good and aggressive, but my body wasn’t following suit. My front leg was pretty sore from getting through the bumps from yesterday and I think overall I was tired. Just a crappy day. But on my last run Coach Mark said that those six gates that I made it through before blowing out were the best ones I had for the day and that I was carving them more than in my other runs. (Unfortunately I had already punished my board after that last run.) So that was a plus. But I was soooo angry throughout the day! It was like I couldn’t use that aggression on the course but instead it just came out after the run. It was definitely a test in controlling my temper. I haven’t seen that temper in a really long time. Hopefully next time I can use it for good instead of evil.

January 2, 2010: Maintaining the Aggressivity

Saalbach/Hinterglemm, Austria – Today’s training was challenging. We drove to a resort in Austria and had an afternoon session, and by the time we got there the several inches of new snow from last night was all cut up from the morning skiers making for difficult and sometimes painful freeriding. Underneath the fresh snow was a very hard and icy base, and getting launched off the mini-moguls and landing on that base was jarring to my ankles. But once I relaxed and got a little lower and let my legs absorb more of the bumps, it got a lot easier.

The course was on the same surface but we were able to slip a lot of the excess snow off of the line, exposing the hard, icy base beneath, which is great for racing so long as you can keep your line. It was still pretty challenging though as waves would form within the line making for a bumpy course. I want to treat every training run as a race run so I did my ‘bull’ race prep to psych myself up. I took my centering breath and repeated my performance statement a few times (which changed each run depending on my focus but always starts with “stay aggressive”), then slapped my legs and hands hard and got into the start. My first run felt energetic and alive, but I got late coming into a heelside turn and jammed too hard and fell. My second run was better. Coach Mark had told me that as soon as I get on my heelside I should release the pressure and that helped tremendously. Of course by the time I thought about it and did it I was at the stubby, which was where it should happen. I held a pretty good line and was able to shoot myself across to start my toeside. However I was getting too greedy on the toeside and starting my turn too early and as a result couldn’t fully commit to the turn. I made it down the course but on the last toeside gate into the finish I loaded up and it shot me too wide, narrowly missing the finish. Coach Mark said that the first four gates that he could see were good turns and I was carving. He said that type of riding is something we could build upon. My third run felt pretty good and actually easier than the second meaning I wasn’t fighting as hard, which possibly means I wasn’t sliding as much. The top wasn’t as good as the second run but the bottom felt better and I made the entire course. My last run was pretty out of control. I was getting late at the gates and was surprised I made them without crashing, and when I got down I felt the least tired of all my runs. So it may have been my fastest run. Coach Mark even said the top was good.

We only did a few runs to keep the quality and intensity high. The long stretches to and from the course were tiring on my legs so it was a good amount of training. After I found myself mentally and emotionally exhausted due to maintaining the ‘aggressivity’ (Coach Mark’s term) of each run (and probably also from scaring myself a few times), but it felt like I was able to really keep my focus and attitude throughout training. It also helped that when I would come out of the start Coach Mark would yell at me as I was heading to the first gate. I think that helps me to remember to stay aggressive throughout the course. Overall a good day.

December 30, 2009: The Switch Unflipped!

Bischofweisen, Germany – Today’s night race was the last race of the 2009 calendar year. Thank goodness. Sadly 2009 wasn’t the best year for me snowboarding-wise, racked with less than stellar race results, lots of heartache and injury. But I’m looking forward to the new year with hopes of a fresh start and a brighter outcome.

The parallel giant slalom course was sketchy. It was surprisingly straight, probably the straightest course I’ve ever raced on, which is good for me since turny courses pose more of a challenge. The snow was sparse with dirt and grass exposed in some parts of the course, with soft snow built up outside of the line. If you were to lose your line and get too round you’d end up in the snow bank with the possibility of going tail over head or coming to a complete stop. Either way you’d lose the race.

I was pretty psyched to race. I’ve been reading the book “Ten Minute Toughness” and employing the advised mental techniques. While I can’t expect them to work immediately, it’s another good base to build upon.  I wasn’t even worried about the snow conditions. As far as I was concerned since the course was so straight, I just had to stick to the line and I’d be fine. I just wanted to be aggressive right from the get-go and attack the course and forget about everything else. I had taken some freeruns in the morning to try to get the feeling back and find my lost toeside, and riding felt good again. Not great like in Colorado, but snow conditions and possibly jet lag would have something to do with that. (I slept amazing last night so that helped a ton.) Coach Mark even said at the end of the freeride session that I found my toeside. So yay! Nothing to worry about since my riding was back.

I did my usual ‘bull’ prep in the start, complete with slapping my legs as hard as I could to make sure they were awake and angry, and got after it as soon as I passed the first gate. I moved my legs through each turn as quickly as possible, and found the carve on my toeside. I felt the urgency of racing at each gate and the need go-go-go. I could feel myself pull away from the girl I was racing and was like, “Yeah! This is what it’s all about!” On one of the toesides my hand caught the panel which pulled my trailing arm back, and for that split second when I was off balance with my body completely upright and in a very precarious position, time froze as I looked at the next gate and thought, “I have two choices: I can either let it get the best of me and crash like I did in the Copper race, or I can fight through it and try to hold on.” When I made the decision to fight, time resumed and I drove that outside hand down hard as I switched to my heelside edge and held the turn. Very weird, but cool.

It was all going great until something happened. I don’t know if that near crash distracted me but I stopped being as aggressive as I was at the start. It was like the switch turned off, mid-course. Suddenly I was conscious of the ruts and snow conditions and I stiffened up, as my drive went into autopilot and I was just cruising. At one gate I even though, “I’m going into it too fast.” I mean of course I have to go into it fast, that’s what racing is all about! And I felt myself losing speed as the other girl was catching up. It was so strange.

I finished the run but about a second out of making the second run. Sigh. So frustrating. I’ve finally got the start down by attacking immediately, but I couldn’t maintain the aggressiveness throughout the course. Coach Mark said the beginning was good with my legs moving well but I started sliding my turns the bottom of the course where I should have been carving, and that cost me time. Ahhhh! Why can’t I just put one great run together instead of just having great parts?!

I could get upset, and part of me wanted to just give up. But I’m not going to do that. Not until the very last freakin’ race that determines if I can go to the Olympics or not. I’m going to fight tooth and nail despite what anyone thinks to get this done. I’ve put too much of myself into this to have it just taken away from me easily. Today’s race wasn’t an Olympic qualifier but it was a chance to get the points I need. Guess I’ll just have to do it all at once. Three World Cup and three Europa Cups left to do this in. It’s coming down to the wire but that just makes it more exciting and suspenseful. After all, if it was easy to do, wouldn’t everyone be doing it?

December 29, 2009: Back to Europe

Bischofweisen, Germany – After over 24 hours of traveling we made it to Germany a couple of days ago. Again. It’s weird because it’s almost like the six day Christmas break never happened. Don’t get me wrong, Christmas was amazing and filled with lots of wonderful family and friend time, but it all happened so fast that next thing I knew I was back on a plane for my fifth time to Europe this calendar year. Unfortunately I don’t feel as refreshed as I had hoped to be for this very important leg of my racing journey. It feels like I bypassed LA and just came straight from Telluride to continue the last mega trip. But on a positive note I made United’s 100k premier status which means I’ve flown over 100,000 miles in 2009 which roughly equates to over eight days of being in the air. Over a week spent on an airplane. Thank goodness for good movie selections.

Our first day here was spent relaxing and trying to get accustomed to the time zone difference. We’re staying in a tiny town that has no internet access but does have a nice gym. The accommodations are also very nice and at a reasonable altitude so that’s one less thing we have to deal with. But what comes with lower altitude is less snow. We freerode at the hill today and the runs were very limiting with all manmade snow, and rocks and dirt spackling the slope. That combined with about three hours of sleep last night (was up at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep!) did not make for the best day of freeriding. The run was choppy from a ski course that was set in the early morning, and was icy in some parts. And I couldn’t find my trusty toeside. My heelside was alright; I focused on driving my outside hand down towards the tail of the board and that worked, but my toeside suffered. I couldn’t get it on edge early enough (didn’t help that I carried my heelside turn too far across the hill instead of letting it go earlier) and then I would jam on it. I put my hand down in the snow a few times and it hit the snow hard and threw me off balance. It was definitely a very challenging day. Overall Coach Mark told me to focus on the basics – quiet upper body so the legs can be free to move; extending the legs through the turn, high and early pressure by building the platform early and with patience, moving the body forward in the turn transitions. The usual stuff. I was kind of bummed because my last day on snow felt so great when I was freeriding, and things were really coming along and now this. But that last day was in perfect snow conditions and I have to learn to ride in this stuff. I mean if I can do it there, I should theoretically do it anywhere. Like Coach Mark says, it’s a decision I have to make.

So hopefully I’ll be able to get good sleep tonight for tomorrow’s night race. Despite the incredible importance and meaning to tomorrow’s race (and actually all the races this month), I’m really excited. This is my last trip to Europe of my racing career so I want to go out with a bang.

December 26, 2009: Something Short of a Miracle

Chicago Airport, Illinois – I’m sitting in the Chicago airport awaiting my flight to Munich. Yes, it’s the day after Christmas. It was really hard to pull myself away from my whole family that came down to LA to welcome my newest nephew, Evan, just a few days ago. But it’s time to go back to work and I’ve got a big job to do.

As I walked off the plane on the jetway here I felt the icy cold twenty degree weather. While it was somewhat of a shock from yesterday’s 60 degrees in Los Angeles, it was a welcomed and missed feeling. Surprisingly I actually missed snowboarding over my six day break. I felt incomplete, as if something was constantly missing from my day and even from my self. I managed to go surfing only once (the 50-something degree water temps as well as the sometimes difficult conditions deterred me from taking the plunge more), but it wasn’t as relaxing as I remembered it to be. It was still fun but it didn’t have the same clearing of the mind and spirit as it once did. Did snowboarding take its place as my happy place? Do I actually enjoy snowboarding more than surfing now?

Admittedly I’ve been plagued with negative thoughts of the what ifs. My brother and his family (which includes two adorable five and a half twin boys) got their passports in preparation for their journey to see the Games in Vancouver. My friends have purchased their tickets to the venue. My dad has called me a ‘hero no matter the outcome’. But I don’t feel like a hero, and I can’t shake the nagging thoughts of ‘what if I let them down?’ I still know deep down that I have the ability to do it, but will all the stars be in alignment for me to do so?

I’ve been told repeatedly that it’s about the journey. And I’ve said so myself that so long as I’m riding to the best of my abilities, I’ll be happy. But for as goal driven as I am and have been all my life, I don’t think I’ll be satisfied if I don’t make it. And that dread of not achieving my goal, any goal for that matter, is one of the driving forces for me.

And these will be the last negative and doubtful thoughts I will allow myself to have.

It all comes down to me. I can hope, dream, wish and pray that it does all come together, but in reality I’ve got to get my butt into gear and make it happen. I need to make it happen, and no one else can do it. And I’ve got to do it quickly. I have to approach every single run – training, freeriding, racing – with the same intensity that I’ve got to get down as fast as humanly possible. Heck I’ve got to approach every single thing I do in life with the same fever and vigor that I have for making the Olympics. I have to live and breathe with every cell of my being that I’m going to make the Games, every single moment of the next month. It may take a something short of a miracle. But I do still believe in miracles.

Hope you and your family have a wonderful and safe holiday season!

December 19, 2009: Love Hate Relationship

Soft Booting on Vail Mountain

Beaver Creek, Colorado – I’m kind of caught between a rock and a hard place. The very thing that is causing me doubt, sadness and disappointment is also the only thing that makes me feel better. Snowboarding might as well be my significant other; I’ve sacrificed a lot and given it my heart and all my effort, yet we have fights, sometimes I hate it and sometimes it hates me. Of course most of the time I love it and it loves me back. It’s a pretty twisted, dysfunctional, love/hate relationship, but one that I keep coming back to.

The drive back from Telluride was difficult. I had five hours alone to think about things – what I did wrong in the race, what I needed to do in the next World Cups and how badly I want to win. I so desperately wanted to come home for Christmas with great news and have an extra special and happy holiday. But now I’ll be plagued with the stress of the upcoming Europe trip.

I was just going to take my freestyle board on the hill today for a play day but then I thought I’d better take my race board up to work on some technique. I’m not giving up without a fight so I need to work on some things. The snow was amazing! I know I say that a lot about Colorado snow, but each time I go it truly is amazing. It really makes me fall back in love with snowboarding. I worked on getting the board up on edge and seeing where it would take me. I had some good runs, ones where I felt that I slowed down the toeside and generated speed, and my heelsides where connecting and not halting my progress. My friend who is also a racer told me to bring my back hand to the back of the board, and try to touch it. It was difficult to touch, but when I did it the board would stay on edge and I could really feel the snap out of the heelside turn. That’s another good thing to remember when I ride.

After a few hours I had to physically stop myself. I wanted to keep going but I was to meet up with a friend to ride around in Vail on my soft boots. It was so hard to pull myself off that mountain! Throughout my years of snowboarding all over the world, I’ve always felt that Beaver Creek is the best mountain for carving, and I just love being there. It was weird to think that the next time I’ll be on that hill will be after I know whether or not I’ve made the Olympic Games.

After a short break, the rest of the afternoon was spent tooling around Vail Mountain on my freestyle board, which was almost equally as fun. I remember ten years ago when I first moved to Colorado and rode around Vail for the first time. Gosh that was a long time ago. So much has happened in those ten years! It was fun just pointing it straight down the hill and going as fast as I could. There was one time when my board almost caught its edge and my heart leaped out of my chest, thinking I was going to eat it for sure. So scary, but so exhilarating.

It was a glorious day reminiscent of my first days of snowboarding and showing me how far I’ve come. I hope the rest of this season will be just as exciting.

Vail Mountain

December 17, 2009: A Comedy of Errors

Telluride World Cup - Dec 2009

Telluride, Colorado – I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry about today. Obviously I want to cry, but the hilarity of my run actually makes me want to laugh too.

I noticed when I was slipping the course that my edges were really sharp. I even had trouble getting a smooth slip in because they would catch too well. But I didn’t think too much of it. It’s always great to have sharp edges to cut through if the course is icy (which it wasn’t) or to really hold the edge and not slide out. Of course that means you really have to commit to the carve.

My sole focus was to be aggressive and get after it. As I was waiting for my run, I could feel the excitement building in me, the excitement that I was going to lay down an amazing run, the best run I’ve ever had or at least one equivalent to the best one I’ve ever had. I got into the start gate with the ‘bull’ mentality and went after it. I could feel the girl I was racing inching ahead of me and at that point I thought to myself, “I have to release the turn earlier than what I’m doing and really carve my heelsides.” (I’m actually surprised that I had that focused of a thought within a second of me riding.)  So I release my toeside turn earlier than usual, but instead of riding it out longer to get in the right position to crank out my heelside, I just flipped board and got it on edge as high as I could. My sharp edges caught and I carved right at the stubby, directly hitting it and slicing it off of its screwed in base. I didn’t get affected by running it over, but I did think, “Oh no, I just DQed” since my board had to have run over it to cut it off. I just kept going but saw the freed stubby take a beeline right down the center of my course, on a crash collision with my board. Then I thought, “I’ve gotta beat this stubby and get around it or I’m going to run over it. Again.” I accelerated through a toeside and got past it. (I later heard that it was still chasing me through the next heelside but I managed to get past it again.) Clearly my focus as well as my line was lost, and I jammed too hard on a heelside, washed out and fell. I got up and continued the course and also continued to cut off my heelside turn. I’m pretty sure I DQ’d on another gate but kept going. Then at the gate at the top of the pitch I cranked the heelside too early AGAIN and this time my body went fully inside the panel, DQing AGAIN. A fall, destruction of course equipment and possibly three DQs – my run contained probably the worst elements a run could have, save a crash in the fence or collision with my competitor.

I got down into the finish and just shook my head and almost laughed. What a show, a total comedy of errors. The only saving grace is that I was really going for it and even Coach Mark saw that. He also said I need to bring that into every training run. It was a huge lesson though and really showed me that I need to get familiar with what happens when I put that board on edge on a heelside. I just need to get used to it and know where it’ll take me in my line.

December 16, 2009: Keep Legs Extended on Heelsides

Mountains of Telluride

Telluride, Colorado – Last night I went out for a bit and played pool to let off a bit of steam from the race. It felt good to let loose a little; I feel so wound up most of the time so it was good to relax and unwind.

Today I took a couple of runs in the training course next to the race hill. The first one felt good but I think I ran over a couple of stubbies on my heelside which may have been a DQ (disqualification) according to the rule that the entire board has to go around the stubby. But my teammate said that despite that, those were good turns. My only thought on that run was to be aggressive. After my second run Coach Mark gave me some feedback. He said that the first few heelside turns coming off of the flats and into the pitch were slidey. I would be in a good position to just put the board up on edge and carve it but for some reason I slide out the back instead of trusting myself that putting the board on edge will get the direction change I need. He did say that after those couple of gates I would start to trust myself and carve the bottom.

After Coach Mark and I took a couple of freeruns and it was so fun! We went to a different part of the mountain and rode probably the longest lift I’ve ever ridden. The terrain we passed was amazing and there were hardly people on it. During freeriding Coach Mark said I had good turns but I told him that I felt I was going too straight and my turn shape wasn’t wide enough like in a course. To fix that he said to keep my legs extended a bit longer on the heelside turn; that will get the snappy come-out-of-a-turn-across-the-hill movement I needed for turnier turns. And that worked. I could feel the snap at the end of the heelside turn and the board shooting across laterally. So that’s how you get across the hill without actually having the board travel laterally across the hill. Intriguing. And cool.

So it was a good day. I focused on staying aggressive both in the course and in my freeriding and that seems to work the best for me. So that’ll be my sole focus for tomorrow: Be aggressive. And the speed will come.